This year is difficult and it did not feel difficult until I realized the weekend was here and there was no avoiding this. The media has their cameras ready, the television stations are rearing in with constant 9/11 programming. Facing this was inevitable. I am not taking it well. It's being thrown in my face and this has made me even more emotional and more tense. It has been 10 years since the day the towers fell, the pentagon was run into, and those innocent and heroic people on that plane crashed on PA. While everyone takes a moment today to think about 9/11, I've thought about it consistently through-out the year.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.
I'm asked about closure.

No, I don't fine closure. If anything... I felt remorse that it had to come to more lives being destroyed. Those responsible being dead or dwelt with will NEVER bring my big sister back. My only sister who was beautiful, amazing, out going and so fun to be around. I wish I could have a sister. I'm jealous of those that do. I anger when I see those who mistreat their sisters and take them for granted.
I forget my sister is even gone sometimes.

I can't really describe how I feel to it's full extent because the feelings are too tremendous to put into words. A dark hole that won't close. A door that won't lock. A penny dropped into a wishing well and you never hear the "CLONK" into the water below. It hurts. It burns. It aches.
I want my sister. I need my sister and the realization that she is never coming back seems too surreal for me to comprehend. I catch myself daydreaming if she was here, what she'd look like, where'd she would be living, whether I would be a different person.

I'm blabbing, I know. This year I couldn't come up with some symbolism piece. I chose to go with how I felt. I had some lanterns lit for my sister a month or so ago and... I caught myself hoping she could see me or possible be somewhere nearby knowing I was doing this for her. I hope it would make her smile knowing how much I miss her and that I think of her constantly. Thus... the lanterns in this piece.

It really hurts this year. I can't push the frog down in my throat anymore. It really fucking hurts to the point where I STILL can not return to New York when everyone else in my family has. I don't want to go through this anymore. I'm tired of having a role in 9/11. Every year it's pain I want to avoid. Why won't it heal as easily? Why can't I FIND the closure and move on? It's not that I choose not to move on... it's just I have yet to feel it.

I wish I didn't have to cope with 9/11.

I ask you take a moment and think about THOSE LOST. I realize the media and politicians are making a spectacle of this and... I do apologize. I don't care where you're from, remember those that died while we can. Honor them all before they become a distant memory in our text books...

I miss you, Big Sis. Words or even my art can not describe just how much. I love you with all my heart and will always hold on to your voice going "Melly!" and the memory of the day where you almost literally stabbed me in the back with Grandpa's kitchen knifes when we were cleaning his house. I will never live up to being such an amazing sister like you were to our brothers. I hope that in the future when I have my baby girl (hopefully!) and I name her after you... you watch over her and keep her safe.