The Tappan Zee Syndrome

It’s a few months away, as the anniversary of the worst day of my life approaches.

No, nothing happened to me personally, but as a native of New York City who feels that terra firma is somewhere in the five boroughs, my life changed forever on that beautiful and terrible Tuesday morning.

While a few people talked about moving to a place that wasn’t a direct target of whoever hated us enough to attack us, I found myself wanting to be here more than ever.

In the subsequent days, people from all over the world showed such love to New Yorkers! The sacrifice and the bravery of so many firemen and other uniformed first responders gave rise to a profound pride that my city didn’t collapse, didn’t freeze, but sprang into action to search, to save, to be together.

My husband and I were utterly devastated as we began to process the enormity of the tragedy. We went to Union Square to join a peaceful gathering on September 16th. The subway ride was surreal.

We went to Dumbo to stare across the river. We went to the Promenade to stare across the river. The smoke plumes continued for it seemed, forever. The makeshift alters and memorial art and flowers drew you in to such personal revelations of those who left them.

We were very worried about the staff of a Tribeca diner that was very close to the Towers. We tried to find out if everyone was ok, but the area was cordoned off. We asked everyone we could, but no one knew. We kept going back…to walk the perimeter silently, to get a bit closer each time, until we ultimately learned that everyone was ok.

We walked in Prospect Park. It was a gorgeous autumn and it gave us peace to be in NYC, yet be surrounded by calm, changing foliage against blue skies.

Sometime in October, still stunned and trying to function, we decided to take a drive up to the Hudson Valley to be near the river and the mountains and try to feel just a little bit normal.

It was hard leaving the house. I obsessively checked the lights, the doors. I was somewhat scared to leave, but it was only a short day trip for a few hours and clearing our minds a bit seemed like a healthy thing to do.

As we approached the Tappan Zee, I started to feel very ill. By the center of the bridge, my heart was thumping and racing and I thought that I was having a heart attack. It came on so suddenly that we both panicked.

Amazingly there was a hospital sign as we got off of the bridge… a big white H on a blue background that must be the universal sign for hospital, but one that I had never internalized.

My husband followed the signs. It was a sleepy, quiet place, so different from most city hospitals I could imagine.

They took me immediately and did an EKG. They were very kind and said that I would be fine. I explained what happened and it was clear to us that this was not the first time they encountered this situation.

We crossed the river again and although the colors were lovely, I just couldn’t wait to be home, in my city, close to the 8,00,000 or so other New Yorkers who love their city more than they could ever express.

Phyllis Wrynn
Summer 2011